On Sunday, I ate lunch with a god-fearing daily-mail reading UKIP voter. Yes, you read that right.

After spending Saturday afternoon entertaining R’s entire family, fielding all their wedding questions, explaining to his mother that Thursday is quite an acceptable day on which to get married etc.

And we’d gone out on Friday night and had to go home on the 00.48 from Charing Cross vomit-comet. Unpleasant. So by Sunday morning I really was exhausted. Not in the mood to get up at 8.30 to make my way to Surrey for lunch. We were lucky really. The original offer was to arrive at 10 for church.

The previously mentioned right-wing chap has a wife and shouty daughter. Weirdly, he is R’s best friend from school. I have not met two people less alike, but maybe as 12 year olds they had more in common. Probably bad hair.

Lunch was fairly inoffensive. We were given a grilling about our motives for vegetarianism, but nothing we couldn’t handle. And it was ok, because the whole time, I was thinking “this is ok, we can go in 2 hours time.”

Did I mention there was no wine?

And then wife said to husband – “get the dessert out of the freezer so it defrosts in time for tonight.” I enquired if they were entertaining again in the evening. “Well, we thought you were staying for dinner as well.”

Fuck fuck fuck

So the daughter carried on shouting. We were taken on a bracing walk on the North Downs. We were told repeatedly that we know nothing about life as we are neither property owners nor parents. And all about how Eurocrats have reclassified carrots so that they are a fruit. And how our children will surely die as we don’t wash up in hot enough water.

Pre dinner entertainment was a round of snakes and ladders. Fortunately at about 6 o clock, because little ones go to bed at about 8. Still no wine.

Finally released at 8.

Astonishingly, I remained polite throughout. Safe in the knowledge that in February, we are returning the favour and entertaining them. I plan to leave lots of scissors about the flat.

Now finger crossed blogger doesn’t swallow this up…..