Re-reading

It's funny to read old stuff. I'm struck by how bothered I was by things a few years ago. Looking at where I am now, and how life has panned out, I can't believe I was getting stressed out four years ago about how I would fit in saving for a mortgage, have a baby, do a job I enjoy, and maybe travel a bit. I was 25 back then! If anything I should be feeling more bothered by those things now, (tick tock and all that). But I really am not. I suppose I feel more aware now that life isn't something you can map out and then follow. It's fragile and unpredictable.

Things I have realised, continued....

That the reason I frquently pick up a map and read it for pleasure, is because of my Dad. I used to feel that if I had a trait from my Dad, I should be ashamed or embarrased of it. Now I smile and realise he had a bigger impact on me than I realised. He also had an insatiable thirst for knowledge. My parents got into some financial trouble because they bought an entire set of Childrens Encylopaedia Britannicas from a door to door salesman. They never paid for them... :-/ But I used to love reading them, and especially loved the atlas - number 20 in the series. It was brown, and the most well-thumbed. I can see the bookcase now with the encylopaedias on the top shelf.

My mind has really been closed to happy childhood memories for the past 20 years. But they are there.

Things I have realised since my Dad died - part one of a series (maybe)

My dad died on the 17th November. It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. It's strange, in terms of horrible raw gut wrenching pain, I probably felt worse when I was chucked by my first proper boyfriend at the age of 15. But this pain feels different. Like it's here for the long haul. A constant discomfort that is always there in the background. Sometimes it is agonising. But the rest of the time it is just there, reminding me that 3 months ago my life changed. And unlike when the idiot chucked me aged 15, I won't be over it in a few months time. This is with me forever.

Anyway, things I have realised... That Dad gave me something utterly priceless. A constant, unwavering belief that he loved me. I have realised only very recently just how valuable that is. At a practical level, he could be pretty crap. He was never successful financially and my parents didn'r protect us kids from their money troubles. A lot of my childhood was spent worrying about very real threats of eviction, where the next meal was going to come from.

His own parents had been well-off, money-wise. So I thought he was selfish for not trying harder to give us a more financially secure childhood like the one he had. But when it came to love, he spent his childhood in utter poverty. What I see now is that he was determined to give us what he was deprived of - love. Lots and lots of it. That meant he wouldn't take the better paid job 30 miles away because it would mean he couldn't tuck us into bed at night. That was a price he wouldn't pay.

And now he is gone, I wish so much he was here, so I could thank him. I am the woman I am today, because of his unconditional love.

Hellooooooooooo

Is there anybody out there? It's been a long time. I haven't read any of my own blog posts for over 3 years now. Hmmm, I think I have changed quite a bit. It was fascinating reading back a few posts - loads of stuff I had genuinely forgotten about. So I might post again every so often. It's nice to have the memories. Yahoo stole lots of my memories when I didn't log into my yahoo mail email account for a long time. It deleted all my emails including the "courting" emails between R and I way back when. That was sad. Thankfully Blogger doesn't seem to have that policy.